I’m no newbie to relationships. I might be a newbie to blogging, but I’m no newbie to relationships. As I’ve grown, I have found what I want, how I want to be treated and, how I will treat others. You know, the basic foundation stuff.
A few weeks ago, as I was scrolling through Facebook. I saw that an old friend shared an article. The title was, “The Silent Killer or Relationships” by Derek Harvey. If you haven’t visited his blog, DO IT! You’re totally missing out. So obviously, being a curious woman about other peoples’ relationships, I clicked on it.
Best Facebook article clickable! I’ll leave the link below!
Derek starts off the article about him and his wife in a seminar. The person conducting the seminar asks, “what’s the biggest cause of divorce?”, and the usual answers were being blurted out – money, sex, communication, priorities –
To me those are obvious answers. I know personally, in my own relationship, we struggle with some of those. I know most “healthy” relationships have their struggling points. Through years of dating and through my examples (parents), it’s how we work through them, together.
Lord knows, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. My boyfriend makes mistakes. It happens. But as I continued reading, my mind was blown. It all made perfect sense and, without a doubt is, 100,000,000% true.
As each person was told, “wrong”, they come to find that the reason most marriages end was, “unmet expectations”.
I actually stopped to think. Expectations? Like, coming to see me, expectation? I started thinking of all my high expectations that I hold for myself, and obviously…. my boyfriend. My mom always told me, “You hold to high of expectations, Becca. It’s not good for you and you’ll never be truly happy” (Of course, she’s right).
My expectations for myself: (Side note: I’m saying this as if my brain is speaking)
- Make money working full time. Pay your bills on time. Don’t max out credit cards (oops).
- Take care of your animals. Make sure they’re given healthy food. Make sure they’re well taken care of. Your dog has high energy; get that out each day. Doesn’t matter if you’ve worked all day, he’s been sitting at home. You better get that dog out.
- Keep your apartment clean. Dishes everyday. Once you make them, you wash them. Vacuum; nobody likes to come and see a dirty carpet. Dust, at least once a week. Seeing dust means you’re a lazy piece of shit.
- Budget your money. You already have over $7,000 of credit card debit. Doesn’t matter you’ve gotten it down from $10,000, get it down more. Pay all your bills, keep gas in the car, HEALTHY food in the fridge. Stop buying unnecessary food because a craving said to get it.
- Never let your bank account get below $1,000. You know how poor you were before this job. Don’t let it happen again.
- Stay skinny but stay body positive. You’re boyfriend doesn’t need a chunky girlfriend. He wants to come home, and show off his “hot” girlfriend.
- Calm your sweet tooth down. Drink water. Eliminate as much sugar out of your diet as possible. Drink alcohol but make sure you don’t gain weight.
- Make sure you always look cute for your boyfriend. If he’s committed to you, he doesn’t want to see – no make up, hair in a bun, head band on, yoga pants, leggings – girl. He’s going to want to see that hot “mistress” type of girlfriend. So, shave your legs, wash your hair, make up is fresh, body spray on, 80% of the time.
- Keep your boyfriend happy. At. all. times. If he tells you to do something, or asks you to do something, you freaking doing it.
- Don’t sit long at work, your spine will curve and ass will flatten. Work out.
- Keep up with your family, especially your sister. She needs you and, you need her.
For those trolls out there, absolutely no one told me to think this way. My boyfriend probably prefers me with no make up. He loves my body now, and will continue to love it. I’m not fit and toned. I got jiggle, I got curves. I got some of the big C on my thighs… But I’m also a perfectionist…Go figure…
My Expectations for my relationship:
- See each other, often. But have your friend time and family time and alone time. Good Luck! Figure that shit out.
- Boyfriend should make me a high priority. I know what it feels like to be: no priority, low priority, or a priority after friends.
- When I (Becca) is in a relationship, your priority is him. Making him happy. Doing things he’ll enjoy. If he doesn’t, you do them alone. Nobody likes making someone do something they don’t like.
- I (Becca) will attempt to do everything he likes. You will not show that you dislike it (aka Golf). If you do show you dislike it, you’ve made him mad.
- Boyfriend should understand your feelings. He should know when your upset by body language and facial expressions. He should say sorry and validate feelings. Even if he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my feelings and I’ve been made to feel that way.
- Bring me flowers. Bring over food. Make/help with dinner. Help me with the animals. Wipe my tears away. Calm my constant worries. Make date plans. Buy me jewelry.
- I don’t care if you fart, pick your nose, poop, or burp. But don’t expect me to do the same. And definitely, don’t expect me to not say something if you stink.
- I’ll cook you dinner, if you ______… I’ll drive you to ______, if you________,
- Give and take.
Again, we haven’t made these expectations for us. These are things I expect out of myself and him. Does it create arguments? Absolutely. And that all comes back to Derek Harvey’s blog, unmet expectations.
As I’m reading, I keep thinking, “well what should I do, Derek?!?!”.
And then he put it in as an equation, “EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION”
Ha. Anybody knows me…Math sucks. I hate math. I can do simple addition and multiplication. That’s a reason to teach Special Ed. Duh.
He explains that expectations are what you EXPECT your S.O. to do. His expectations were mainly for his wife and children; dinner ready, hair done and make up perfect, children sitting quietly eating dinner, house clean, family walks after dinner, etc.
Then he states what he OBSERVES when he comes home. Usually consisting of: messy house, children screaming, dinner not made or thought of, house empty of groceries, messy kitchen. Him and his wife just migrate to the couch leaving the mess.
That creates FRUSTRATION. Well duh Derek, I’m frustrated from that. He then states, “The fact of the matter is this: In life, we often have expectations that go unmet, and we’ve often frustrated because of it…[the answer is] Let your OBSERVATION take precedence over EXPECTATION, period…. go with the flow.”
I bring this article up, because last night, I wanted to pick up my boyfriend and go out for dinner. He shouldn’t be the only one to drive up to Kenosha. When I get to him, he seemed to have his sassy pants on. **Working with kids with Autism, you become accustomed to body language as the key to communication** He reassured me that he was fine, nothings wrong.
Well, my mood starts blending into his mood.
Before hand, my day (s) at work suck! It’s boring. I hate it. I want to be back in Special Ed.
Anyways, I was EXPECTING a boyfriend to be all giddy and happy. I was EXPECTING for him to appreciate me, constantly, wanting to take him out. I was gonna be the suga mama for the night and, buy him dinner. I was EXPECTING him to know that my day sucked balls, and he would want to make it better. I EXPECTED him be what my mind thought up.
I didn’t OBSERVE. I kept EXPECTING. And what did I get…I got upset. I didn’t argue or yell or anything. I got upset with myself and, was beating myself up. Now, he could have been nicer with his choice of words. But if I didn’t have EXPECTATIONS, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.
If I would had OBSERVED and, stopped letting my expectations and shitty day take over. I would have noticed that he was fine. He was getting annoyed with my constant “well what’s wrong?” (With such a sassy tone) and who wouldn’t?!
Lord, I would hate that to. But I EXPECT him to take him. Wrong. So very wrong.
If we can all remember to live in the moment, as hard as it is. We need to. We’re killing our mental sanctuary, by having such high expectations. My mother is a very smart woman, and she’s dead right. I’ll never truly be happy with high expectations. Each day is beautiful, in it’s own way. Each day is different. Just because I had a bad day, does not make it a bad life.
I will always keep Derek’s blog in the back of my mind. Live day by day, and in the moment. Observe your surroundings. It’s okay to have healthy expectations, especially if communicated properly. It’s time to set aside my frustrations and face surroundings and reality head on.
So, thank you Derek Harvey. You’ve opened my mind for personal growth.
Do you have high expectations? How do you overcome them?
Here’s Derek’s blog, “The Silent Killer of Relationships”